why i am here.

hello, my name is r.d. and i am an alcoholic.
my drinking starting when i was 18, before that i never even wanted to drink. i was the church piano player from age 12 to 17, read the bible through twice before fifth grade, cover to cover. where i grew up we had no other books but the bible, and i loved to read. so, i didn't want to drink, i believed in god and wanted to do what was right.
at college, i had a few drinks...really, just one or two. didn't care for it. i tried smoking grass, but, again i wasn't really interested in getting messed up. it was after my divorce that i started drinking hard.
later on, when my ex was found dead in l.a., a suicide, i went on over the edge. i didn't care what happened, i just wanted to stay out of it, for years.
those years are just a blur in my memory, a trail littered with failed relationships, fights, lost jobs, you get the picture.
about 12 years ago i attended my first aa meeting. i started chanting with a buddhist group in my area who were dedicated to sobriety. it helped a lot. i stayed sober for a couple of years, and, afterwards, when i drank i drank less. so that was an improvement. i regained some of my clarity. i meditated and prayed, i still see no reason a person cannot love jesus and still chant and meditate. "be still and know that i am god", i remember the bible says.
but, as time passed i stopped going to meetings. i guess i thought i was over the worst or something. gradually, i started telling myself that i could drink a little and it would be ok. and it was. for a time.
sooner or later, tho, a problem would come up, my buttons would get pushed, and i would take that old familiar remedy...get drunk as a skunk. of course then i created more problems for myself and for those that loved me. again, i tapered off. again, i relapsed. drinking less, but still under the control of my negative emotions and demons, still serving the old alcohol master that still owned me and in subtle ways lured me along the path to hell on earth.
recently it has gotten so bad that i can't stand it anymore. what a blessing! as long as i was easing along without messing up too bad i just kept drinking. so, i am very glad to be sick and tired of this life.
i see now that cutting back is no good, the odds will catch up with you sooner or later. i am terrified of alcohol and i am tired of being a slave to it. if i don't quit drinking, i will soon be without family (again), and without the few friends i have left. my esophagus hurts so badly everytime i drink that i feel i must have something bad wrong with it due to drinking...i hate to think what that may be.
i never want to drink again. i am praying everyday for god to give me strength and courage, for the peace of god to be upon me. that peace is the greatest thing. to be free from the self-centered resentments and whining thoughts and be centered in god's great love and peace!
so, i present myself here in this online meeting hoping to get help and to learn and to find a way to "keep the peace". also, as an example to others, a road-sign that says, "don't go this way".
may all beings be free from suffering!
sincerely,
r.d. highfield