The week from Pain Hell...

I noticed I hadn't posted anything in a week. A Week! I completely missed my own meeting I try to lead each week, totally blew it off... Totally irresponsible to everyone but my self. I thought about my medallion that says, " To Thine Own Self Be True" Well, at least I got that one right. I've missed my regular online AA friends, you all mean so much to me. You are all a lifeline when I feel I am drowning in my own physical pain. This week went from bad to worse..it was actually a week ago this Tuesday, and now it's Saturday & I'm still not quite right. It's times such as this, I am scared to do anything outside my physical comfort zone, terrified I'll get a worse pain that drives me to my knees, or crawling off to bed. I Thank God when I wake up again, I get that scared. I'm not afraid to die, I came to terms with that issue early on. I just don't want to go yet. I got a lot of living left to do.
I hate being down for more than a week but then I have good days and somewhere in here I find a balance. My friends say I never complain but I hear this litany in my head over & over, " Can this thing cut me some slack once in a while?" I did a medicine change-over back in January, and I'm still not sure it has made a difference. I failed miserably trying to switch in June, I just couldn't do that to myself again so soon. It's not that I lack the willingness, it's I lack the courage to walk through the kind of pain that pushes me past my limits. I saw a video & one of the things I caught was that 75% of suicides are traced back to unimaginable pain. It's a leading cause of suicide, who knew? I was shocked! Now before we head in that direction, did I mention I have an enormous will to want to live? and I'd like it to be a better quality of life than this past week. I've been battling this aneurysm/coiling thing since 1997, if I was going to give in & do "the deed" it would have happened by now. No worries there, I'm still laughing & winning this race. I refuse to let this thing beat me. I've overcome so many things in my life... this freaking aneurysm will have to stand in line if it wants to take me out, roflmbo! Every time I get to the other side of these battles I thank my higher poweer for giving me the courage to walk through it & have courage to talk about my feelings,too. Pain & the feelings around it need to have light shined on it. We need to share our tough times as much as we share our good times because life is about learning to balance both. Thanks for reading my blogs.

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Comment by Leesa Bloom on October 16, 2009 at 10:40am: God bless you Sue. I love you. You are hugely in my prayers my friend.

Comment by JennyB on October 15, 2009 at 7:29pm: So glad to see you back! I pray pain relief soon!
(((((HUGS)))))

Comment by beth d on October 15, 2009 at 3:26am: Hi Sue. Thank you for sharing. You may have saved my life today. Who knows? Somewhere in the moving process I messed up my knee. Minor? They call it a chain reaction. My hip went, then my back. Literally one leg is now shorter than the other. I have some surgical scars on the same side of my body that tightened up. Needless to say with my entire body suddenly twisted, the pain has become an entity in itself. Add to that my 25th AA birthday, which I will (if I make it) celebrate in a strange new place without my soulmate who died a year and a half ago . . . and that entity can TALK! It says things about not having to hurt like this and life sux anyway - that kinda' stuff. Then I see your posts and figure if you can do it . . . . Well so can I doggone it. Went and got a shot in the knee. (We bipolar sorts shouldn't take steroids so it cuts down on the dose) Next week MRI on the back and probably a shot in the hip) Was actually able to sleep more than 2 hours straight through. Thank you, my friend, for giving me the courage to try again.

Comment by Stacey Self on October 14, 2009 at 8:24am: Wow Sue. So sorry for your pain and discomfort. You're in my thought and prayers. Keep on truckin' and get well soon!

Comment by MaJa on October 10, 2009 at 10:05pm: Dear Sue,
you are really a brave woman! Wishing you to stay without terrible pain asap. My thoughts and prayers are on their way.
Love and hugs and peace
MaJa

Comment by Lisa Ann on October 10, 2009 at 4:24pm: Aww, sorry for your pain. I've never had chronic pain, but aches & pains of aging here & there are no fun. So I can only imagine consistent pain. I'm glad life is so precious to you. Yep, ya gotta have a strong faith in God to get thru that & stil ~~ how did you put it?~~roflmbo! :-D Feel better*