One of my slogans

Today is the first day of 30 days of a medicine changeover. I'm NOT looking forward to the process, but the other side is the blessing. I may very well actually have more good days than bad, so I do have something wonderful to be positive about. No Pain, No Gain!
I've written about having chronic pain. It has controlled my life more than not in the past year. My neurologist found out about a new medicine that is being raved about as the next best thing up & coming. He researched it because that's the kind of doctor he is. He's a very cool guy. I'm his only patient with coils in her head. It's that rare. In fact, in the 12 years that I've had mine, I've only met 2 other people that also have them. One lives in Boston,MA & the other in Eastern Australia. Mine are the older kind. It was experimental in the US when I agreed to the surgery. There were no other alternatives if I wanted to live. So,there you have it. I asked God for help. I want to live. I'm not afraid to die, like I used to be. I'd love to meet my Creator, but not yet. I have a whole lot of living to do still. My whole life has been living the slogan,"No pain, no gain".
I grew up in an alcoholic, abusive atmosphere. When people started yelling, I learned how to hide. I learned to hide in a bottle mostly. An opportunity came to me when I was 19 yrs old. I went to a rehab instead of another trip to the mental ward. Now this was progress, someone had recognized that I was only crazy when I was drunk, which was as often as possible. I managed to stay sober for 9 yrs the first time. I did fine my first 5 yrs. then I started thinking on my own again. Big trouble. It's the stinking thinking that always wins when I lose my conscious contact with my higher power. I figured after 5 yrs, my career was more important than meetings, oh what a thought! I am never so far away from a first drink than when I start taking the reins in my own life. Every day, every moment, I need to have guidance from my Higher Power. It's that basic. Without that inner contact, I flounder. Still, to this day, when I let that slide, I am in trouble. These are the building blocks of my program. I can't, God can, & I need to be willing to get out of my own way & let God handle it. Life is much easier when I follow these guidelines.
I've been sober now 13 blessed years, and I mean they have been blessed. I've survived a bleeding, continually growing aneurysm since my first year back in AA. That would not be possible if I hadn't grasped those 3 basic steps. I practice, practice, practice, every day I have, those first simple steps. Every year I write down things I need to work on to improve my spiritual growth. I make amends when needed, without pause, it's almost a reflex now. If I goof up and hurt someone, I make a very concerted effort to fix it. I'm a spiritual being having a human experience. I review my day & practice connecting consciously with my Creator. When the pain is grueling, all consuming I have a place I go inside myself that brings me a measure of peace. Unfortunately, I'm human and I can't stay there for hours on end. I manage through this wonderful Higher Power to go about my life in such a way so I can still be among the living. I don't really know how it works, the mechanics of it all, I just know that when I stop being aware of it, my stinking thinking can creep right up to me & set up shop again. So it is in my best interest to practice all the steps whenever a thought pops into my head and I say, now what did I do to start this again? Usually, I became unwilling to turn it over to my Creator. Ack! I need to become willing again. It's this round robin we all experience as be grow in the program. It all comes back to those first important steps. I can't, *God* can, & I'm going to get out of my own way & let God do it.

* God for me has changed quite alot over the years. At 1st it was Good Orderly Direction from anywhere but me. Insert whatever Higher Power you use, just be sure it isn't yourself. We all need to have a higher power. I've got friends in AA that are still agnostics, Buddists, atheists,Christians, Wiccan, you name it, I'm sure its being practiced somewhere. The most important fact is they are not their own Higher Powers. I don't believe that God needs to be defined in order for it to work. Theologists have been studying for years to define the concept of God. Me? I like to keep it as SIMPLE as possible. Let the student be ready and the Teacher will appear.
Thanks to you all, I am going to need everyone to help me stay focused & willing. I can't do it alone but I don't have to because AA is a We program.