The strength to change the things I can.

I find that hard times hit me when I least expect it oftentimes. It's not so much the severity of the situation that baffles me. It's having the backbone to do the things I know need doing. Fear grips me midway through and I forget the rewards that wait for me on the other side of the problem. And, yes, problems always have another side. It's those old tapes of "impending doom" that play through my head. It's easy to forget that there can be a "promise of good" if I stay away from a drink today. Life isn't easy and fear makes it harder.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by John Fowler on August 24, 2009 at 6:44am

Good Morning All,

I not sure if I'm doing this right, but gonna try anyway. I was reading Jimmies June 18 topic of The Strength to change the things I can, and felt compelled to write. I feel like a prisoner here at my job. I take care of a 90 yo man with Dementia and live in the same house with him, his daughter and son in law. The daughter is a very self centered person, which I know I can't change. I am spending alot of time with this very sweet man and am feeling very isolated at times. My day with him begins around 8:00am and ends at 7:30pm. Sometimes about 2-3 days a week I get about a 2 hour and a half break from 4:00 to 6:30. I work Mon-Fri and have been doing this for 3yrs. I'm getting close to my breaking point, I see the character defects creeping in, and what will likely happen is I'll go from being my mild mannered self to an explosive lunatic! I don't want that to happen, and am watching myself closely. Been on line looking for work in the education field working with children and young adults with handicaps as a teachers assistant. No degree needed and did this for 9 years prior to this job. I am afraid if I find a job I'll be kicked out of the house, I know I'll be kicked out. On top of all this I started dating a man in the program about 4 months ago and it is going very well. I can't spend as much time as I like because of work and the distance between us. About a 40min. drive. I know all my feelings are fear based but I also know that if nothing changes, nothing changes. I have to get out of this situation soon. If not I may lose what little mind I have! Thank God I do not feel the need to drink I know that would just make things worse. Sorry everyone I've spouted enough, I just needed to get this off my chest and my sponser is at work as well as the few people in my network. Have a great day all! :)
John

Permalink Reply by Jimmy Don Johnson on September 1, 2009 at 11:34am

Sometimes Yaya, the drink will attempt to prevail. In the first year of sobriety, things seem to be exaggerated quite a bit. It's the drink calling in disguise. We aren't real used to dealing with reality. It can be quite a struggle at first. Things will change and sometimes change in a way that we don't find best. It's accepting life on life's terms that you've probably heard about in meetings. There are also times that you just have to stand still and hurt. It's okay, the rewards will be great if you just hang in there. Remember too, we have all gone through these things. The Universe is here to support you not to antagonize you. Keep the faith, go to meetings, talk to your sponsor and read the Big Book as much as possible. Remember to always make an attempt at the steps. We are not responsible for the things that pop in our head. We are responsible for how long we keep them there.

Yaya L. said:

Jimmy Don, I am new to this site. I am not in the best place. You mentioned "impending doom" that is what I am feeling at the moment. Fear has a hold of me lately, it has paralyzed me at times. My soberity bd is 2/16/09 and for that I am grateful, although I am struggling. I have experienced the high and low's of my years in recovery, yet I feel completely comlplacent and powerless over my current situation. I have involved myself in a relationship that is making me feel as she is my drink. I have reduced my meetings, I am in my head alot more, I have isolated myself to revolve around this relationship and I am feeling like a dry drunk. My character defects are glaring. I share this because it doesn't matter how many years you have, the insanity can quickly seep it's way back, contaminating your whole program. I do have a sponsor and have been in constant communication with her. Yet, my willinginess to surrender (step 1) has a grip on me. I don't seem to be willing to let go of the situation that is causing my emotional relaspe. My sponsor says when I am ready and only then will you move forward. Please pray for my willingness to surrender. Thanks

Permalink Reply by Jimmy Don Johnson on September 1, 2009 at 11:41am

Hey John,
Reality is a bitch and its one we have to face when we get sober. When we were drinking, it seemed as though things didn't bother us. We lived in a pretend world and hoped that pain would avoid us. After getting sober, we begin to get in touch with the things that are really important. The days of "bar stool dreaming" are over and we begin to realize what life is really about. That's when the growing pains begin to set in. I still tell people that I have been growing up all my life. Continue to pray and the answers will come. It sounds as though you have all the right pieces, you just don't know how to assemble them yet. Feel free to contact me anytime.

John Fowler said:

Good Morning All,

I not sure if I'm doing this right, but gonna try anyway. I was reading Jimmies June 18 topic of The Strength to change the things I can, and felt compelled to write. I feel like a prisoner here at my job. I take care of a 90 yo man with Dementia and live in the same house with him, his daughter and son in law. The daughter is a very self centered person, which I know I can't change. I am spending alot of time with this very sweet man and am feeling very isolated at times. My day with him begins around 8:00am and ends at 7:30pm. Sometimes about 2-3 days a week I get about a 2 hour and a half break from 4:00 to 6:30. I work Mon-Fri and have been doing this for 3yrs. I'm getting close to my breaking point, I see the character defects creeping in, and what will likely happen is I'll go from being my mild mannered self to an explosive lunatic! I don't want that to happen, and am watching myself closely. Been on line looking for work in the education field working with children and young adults with handicaps as a teachers assistant. No degree needed and did this for 9 years prior to this job. I am afraid if I find a job I'll be kicked out of the house, I know I'll be kicked out. On top of all this I started dating a man in the program about 4 months ago and it is going very well. I can't spend as much time as I like because of work and the distance between us. About a 40min. drive. I know all my feelings are fear based but I also know that if nothing changes, nothing changes. I have to get out of this situation soon. If not I may lose what little mind I have! Thank God I do not feel the need to drink I know that would just make things worse. Sorry everyone I've spouted enough, I just needed to get this off my chest and my sponser is at work as well as the few people in my network. Have a great day all! :)
John

Permalink Reply by Samuel White on March 8, 2010 at 2:39pm