Self Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness...this topic came up at the meeting i was at today (my old home group). A couple of things come to mind when I hear this topic: 1)it ain't in the Big Book and 2) anything that starts with "self" is dangerous in my recovery.

When I have wronged someone I need to ask their forgiveness-it's up to them whether it is granted or not. I also have to ask my HP to forgive me. If my motive is pure, my HP forgives me. And I am left with guilt and shame. Does that mean I have to self forgive? Or does that mean I'd best take measures to make durn sure i don't make that mistake again?

I hear a lot of "I have to learn how to forgive myself before I can forgive others". Well I was always taught that we do not think our way into right acting, we act our way into right thinking. If I am attempting to forgive myself in order to learn how to forgive others I am trying to think my way into right acting.

For me it ultimately comes down asking for others to forgive me when I have harmed them and then asking my HP to forgive me when I have done wrong. I don't think of my needing self forgiveness so much as accpeting the fact that I still have defects that get in the way of my recovery. I was and still can be so self absorbed that I just can't see where "self" forgiveness has room in a 12 step recovery program or in building and strengthening my relationship with my HP.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jimmy P. on March 15, 2010 at 4:01pm

I agree totaly, This is a program of action. What we think and feel is not the point, it is what we do. I don't dwell in the stories much, but one of my favorite lines in the book are there. It says (I was judging myself by my intentions while others were judging me by my actions)

Permalink Reply by DwightMayo on March 17, 2010 at 4:09pm

Forgive myself? What I was doing I was doing for me! Normally people that are going on about needing to forgive themselves are only justifying why they had been on the pity pot feeling sorry for themselves over the way they lived their lives

Permalink Reply by kismet on March 19, 2010 at 11:23am

I agree with your comment that we should "act our way into right thinking" A hard thing to do but necessary I think. I have never agreed that AA is a "selfish program" . Forgiving one's self before others is just another way of showing that one is working a "selfish program" as opposed to the program laid out in the Big Book.

Permalink Reply by Lori,S on March 19, 2010 at 10:20pm

I agree with all of you. However, some individuals who harmed themselves in there drinking, like trying to end their lives, and who were raised to feel worthless all the time, do need some work on self forgiveness, at the very least, avoiding self punishment. I do this, and I am the first to say I am wrong or "think" of course I am wrong even when I am not.
I get the "I am not a doormat" and respecting others opinions confused too. At what point am I being used as a doormat if I have always been used to that? At what point am I just respecting myself and my beliefs?
I try not to think about it too much, but I do have to work on my self worth daily. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Being stronger emotionally will only help me to help others. I was doing what I was doing to die. It didn't work. Thank God. Bless you all, it's been a long time since I have been here.

Permalink Reply by Sara VP on March 23, 2010 at 2:05pm

I agree that self-forgiveness is one of the results of working the steps. It comes from using spiritual principles. It's not something I have any control over, like going to the store and buying it. It is a result of work.

I agree with Jimmy. That line that our actions matter more than our words is a principle I try to live by.

Forms of safe usage of the word "self" include self-honesty, self-restraint, self-control. LOL!

I think the topic is something that could be discussed with a sponsor or trusted friend. At meetings I try to stick with what they teach in the book.

Permalink Reply by Kim J on March 27, 2010 at 8:45pm

Thank you . . . it is good to know that someone else is confused between 'doormat' and respecting other's opinions . . . and I too think i am wrong . . .even when things point to me being right . . .My self esteem is crap and always has been . . . I am working on that too. I guess I have always felt like i am not worthy and therefore my self esteem has taken the brunt . . . if i had any in the first place . .lol. It seems like the only time i do feel worthy is when i feel wanted appreciated or loved. . . and that does not happen very often. Which I should not rely on others to build my self esteem, but that is how it has always been. I don't know any different. I just wanted to thank you for posting.

Lori,S said:

I agree with all of you. However, some individuals who harmed themselves in there drinking, like trying to end their lives, and who were raised to feel worthless all the time, do need some work on self forgiveness, at the very least, avoiding self punishment. I do this, and I am the first to say I am wrong or "think" of course I am wrong even when I am not.
I get the "I am not a doormat" and respecting others opinions confused too. At what point am I being used as a doormat if I have always been used to that? At what point am I just respecting myself and my beliefs?
I try not to think about it too much, but I do have to work on my self worth daily. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Being stronger emotionally will only help me to help others. I was doing what I was doing to die. It didn't work. Thank God. Bless you all, it's been a long time since I have been here.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl F. on July 20, 2010 at 5:59am

Self forgiveness is a RESULT OF WORKING THE STEPS. Unless I accept MY Part in the process I can't forgive and am doomed to make the same mistakes, and if nothing changes--nothing changes. I do have resentments and am taking responsibility for my part in it to myself, and admitting to another human being and my HP the exact nature of my wrongs. I believe, for me, it was one of the most spiritual things I ever did as a result I could forgive, think clearly and be able to help others on a new level.

Permalink Reply by Brigid C on May 24, 2011 at 6:52am

After I had completed all the amends that I was capable of making I found it then necessary to look at my complete inability to forgive myself. I came into the fellowship with such deep self-loathing and found it very difficult to sit in my own skin, even with all the action I was taking, working with newcomers and others, praying, lots of meetings, speaking with my sponsor, doing service... and so on! I had lived with the belief my whole life that I was nothing and deserved nothing, so when good things started happening in my life I was extremely uncomfortable about it because I truly believed I wasn't worthy of anything good... Through talking with my sponsor, sharing from the floor, talking with others and getting outside help, i started to really understand what is meant by low self-esteem being self-centred!! I started to focus on the fact that by believing the negativity about myself that was so prevalent in my brain I was doubting the perfection of God's work!! I have always been hearing at meetings that God made us perfect and that there are no mistakes in God's world, but I hadn't realised til then that this applied to me also! Somehow I think I thought that God's world was everyone else and I was outside it looking in! Its been a long process and I still have times of crippling self-doubt from time-to-time, but I can honestly say that today I don't hate myself, I am able to see my mistakes as lessons, I remind myself regularly that humility means being "right-sized", not too small not too big and I get along really well today, all of this I am eternally grateful for!!

Permalink Reply by Virgil on April 22, 2012 at 5:24am

The best point of walking in sobriety is letting go of our selfcenterd spirit.
Easy to say, yet not so easy to do. But I sure liked the way you shared Brigid on this very point in your recovery.
It reminds me of something said in scripture:
Mat 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Mat 11:30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."(NIV)

Brigid C said:

After I had completed all the amends that I was capable of making I found it then necessary to look at my complete inability to forgive myself. I came into the fellowship with such deep self-loathing and found it very difficult to sit in my own skin, even with all the action I was taking, working with newcomers and others, praying, lots of meetings, speaking with my sponsor, doing service... and so on! I had lived with the belief my whole life that I was nothing and deserved nothing, so when good things started happening in my life I was extremely uncomfortable about it because I truly believed I wasn't worthy of anything good... Through talking with my sponsor, sharing from the floor, talking with others and getting outside help, i started to really understand what is meant by low self-esteem being self-centred!! I started to focus on the fact that by believing the negativity about myself that was so prevalent in my brain I was doubting the perfection of God's work!! I have always been hearing at meetings that God made us perfect and that there are no mistakes in God's world, but I hadn't realised til then that this applied to me also! Somehow I think I thought that God's world was everyone else and I was outside it looking in! Its been a long process and I still have times of crippling self-doubt from time-to-time, but I can honestly say that today I don't hate myself, I am able to see my mistakes as lessons, I remind myself regularly that humility means being "right-sized", not too small not too big and I get along really well today, all of this I am eternally grateful for!!

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