Help!!! problem with sharing

Hello there. I'm Tari and I'm an alcohol/addict. I am very grateful for the program of AA. I feel that I get great benefits from the meetings and the fellowship. I have a question though...Is not being able to speak up about the topic during a discussion a character defect. I can read and talk to everyone one on one, but I panic when I can't speak out. They are telling me I need to share more. I get huge anxiety about it during the meeting. I feel like I'm not doing my "job" in AA. How do I get over this insecurity?

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Ann on August 28, 2009 at 4:27pm
It can be hard @ 1st or even always for some. Like anything else, we challenge ourselves. Push yourself to speak out & you may find you made sense, you helped someone, someone related & connected with you, or you may find you sounded all jumbled & feel like a boob & you are still loved & accepted. You may also find you didn't crumble & if you do, good peeps will be there to pick you up. Either way , you'll feel good about the sober challenge. I've got that Irish thing where I turn all red. I hate that because I can't even play it off like I'm all cool & collected. :-D I still turn red each time & I've been in & out of AA for over 20 yrs.
Permalink Reply by Lisa Ann on August 28, 2009 at 4:29pm
Feel the fear & do it anyway & say that too in your share.
Permalink Reply by Lisa Ann on August 28, 2009 at 7:07pm
I just got back from mtg. Wasn't in the mood to share b/c I was insecure, but I did decause of what you shared & what I replied. Turned red & feel I didn't convey exactly what I wanted & got a bit jumbled. I did it & people got to know me a bit more. Sometimes I come across well & sometimes not. Tonight,eh, so so. It's cool though.
Permalink Reply by Kim R on August 29, 2009 at 11:29am
Hi Tari. I had a wise person once tell me that most growth comes when we are out of our comfort zones. For me, he was right. I always feel a great sense of accomplishment when I have done something I am not totally comfortable with. I say it is good to challenge yourself, and you never know who you may be helping by stepping out of your comfort zone. Good luck and God bless.
Kim R Walla Walla WA
Permalink Reply by kismet on August 31, 2009 at 4:51am
I like Lisa Ann's suggestion to admit in your share that you are nervous. Believe me, many people will understand. Have you talked with your sponsor about this? Also, remember that you don't have to share on EVERY topic--just the ones that you have ES&H on. Don't worry about not doing your "job".
Permalink Reply by Tari Tippie on September 1, 2009 at 9:59pm
I shared tonight at my home group meeting. I felt pretty comfortable too. Thank you all for your comments. I do talk to my sponsor and she helps me a lot. The topic was on the willingness to grow. I felt comfortable in speaking on this. I feel I have experienced this subject. Everything I say won't be "words of wisdom" but once in awhile it might help someone.
Permalink Reply by Kim R on September 2, 2009 at 3:59pm
Yea! Good for you. God bless

Tari Tippie said:
I shared tonight at my home group meeting. I felt pretty comfortable too. Thank you all for your comments. I do talk to my sponsor and she helps me a lot. The topic was on the willingness to grow. I felt comfortable in speaking on this. I feel I have experienced this subject. Everything I say won't be "words of wisdom" but once in awhile it might help someone.
Permalink Reply by Old george on September 8, 2009 at 4:59am
If you are in a major city you may want to give "Toast Masters" a call (Check the yellow pages) . They are a group you can join (unrelated to AA and free I'm pretty sure) for folks who are "uncomfortable" with public speaking and need to be "comfortable" with it. they practice speaking in front of their own group of people (all of whom have the same issue...kinda like us alcoholics). What could it hurt?
Permalink Reply by Tari Tippie on September 8, 2009 at 7:29am
I live in a smal town and the town i go to meetings in isn't a whole lot bigger. I looked in our local yellow pages and no Toast master. I will keep trying. Thanks
Old george said:
If you are in a major city you may want to give "Toast Masters" a call (Check the yellow pages) . They are a group you can join (unrelated to AA and free I'm pretty sure) for folks who are "uncomfortable" with public speaking and need to be "comfortable" with it. they practice speaking in front of their own group of people (all of whom have the same issue...kinda like us alcoholics). What could it hurt?
Permalink Reply by Angie J on September 9, 2009 at 11:55am
Oh the idea of leaving my comfort zone is soooooooo scary, but if I want to get the most help i can the only way to get it is to share my feelings and concerns. I have really bad anxiety so I can feel for you there, but it did get easier for me the more i shared all my feelings. Remember I am no different then you and I will not judge, I have no room to judge you and either does anyone else. Lean on your Higher Power for help with this:)
Permalink Reply by egirl on September 13, 2009 at 7:47am
Tari, I was the same way for quite a while. If I did force myself to say something, my heart would race, my palms would sweat, I felt lightheaded. I had heard an old timer say, "You don't stay sober passing." So, I really thought I needed to say something at every meeting.

I discussed this problem with my sponsor at the time. Her nickname was "Krusty Kriste". She had been sober 26 years and she was shockingly honest and straightforward. She advised me not to force myself to speak. That when I did, I would be worrying about what I was going to say until it was my turn. Then after I spoke, I would be worrying if I sounded foolish. Basically, I would get nothing out of the meeting because I wouldn't be listening. I would be listening to the voice in my head instead. I would miss the message. She gave me permission to "pass" and to absorb the message. She knew that the time would come for me to give back. Sharing is much better when it comes up out of your soul, not forced.

That was a few years ago. I now believe she was right. When we share at meetings, it isn't to hear ourselves talk or to get advise. We get advice from our sponsor who knows are "shit". We share at meetings for the newcomer...the most important person at the meeting. If we allow our Higher Power to work through us, the time will come that we are inspired to share. That's what changes lives.

Don't listen to the badgering committee in your head that says, "Your not doing your job." There are many ways to carry the message in the meeting. You carry the message by: arriving early to greet people, reaching out to welcome the scared newcomer, making and offering coffee to the newcomer, making small talk with the new woman, offering your phone number to the new woman, etc. These acts said more to me than any speaker could when I was new. Put yourself in her shoes and you will know what to do. Besides new newcomers usually don't hear the words at the meeting. They "feel" comfortable or uncomfortable.

OK. I went on and on. That's my take on your question. Give it up to God! He'll grow you from where you are.
Permalink Reply by Jeff M on September 20, 2009 at 6:44am
I know plenty of people who go to meetings and don't say much. That is not a sign that they are a bad person or doing something wrong. But make sure you have someone to share with in private, like a trusted sponsor and friends in AA. You DO need to share...no law says it has to be in front of a hundred people at a meeting. Some of the best meetings I have attended - and I'm not kidding - have been with friends over coffee at somebody's kitchen table or on the ride to and from a meeting.

I have heard people go on and on about nothing at meetings. Or about things that they should not tell the group, but should only tell a sponsor or close friends in the program, like personal things. One that stands out is a "drama queen" who would divulge information we didn't need. I have heard many people talk who didn't know when to stop talking, sometimes drifting aimlessly. That's not the point of AA either.

To speak at meetings, simply focus on the topic at hand and how it relates to your life and your recovery. That's what it is about. Listen to others talk, learn what you can. You don't have to be a great speaker at meetings. Look at your sponsor when you talk, or a close friend across the table and talk to that person instead of looking around the room and trying to make eye contact with everyone. Say it and be done.

In time you will feel more comfortable talking at meetings. Sharing is important because as you grow in the program, others can benefit from your wisdom. It will come...

Jeff M

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